Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Just grow your own
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice