[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?