HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
fired
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Cause of death: Zumba
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.