Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Yes, but it was never about money
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!