not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”