[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever