Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piĂąata is unscathed.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If youâre looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, Iâm your guy.
Skills
My wife asked me if she had any âannoyingâ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldnât because Iâm coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didnât say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
âHow would you like your eggs?â
âWhipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.â
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Son: but I donât like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie đ
Them: But, if youâre both dudes, whoâs âthe ladyâ in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping childâs face while taking a picture of them. Itâs called balance