Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Sunday
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five