Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Doctors texting each other.