I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
You Might Also Like
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists