Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.