Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
August 8
🙅🏻
And now we wait
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.