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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.