I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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bias laundering edition
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.