I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Best mom ever 😂
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing