[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Wait a minute
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Danger is very dangerous
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
#Caturday
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”