The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
A Short Story.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele