Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Namaste
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.