hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.