Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman