carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.