Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
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Me: Same
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned