A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The human personality is made of five key elements