*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Best table by far
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?