Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off