cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Beauty and the Beast
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon