Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
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You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“