accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
felt cute might bury dad later idk
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Dune (2021)
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then