Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Perfect
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?