My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
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if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Whisper out to librarians!
The chart results are in…
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.