[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.