My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.