Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.