no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck