I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Imma just leave this here…………
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me