I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.