Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
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I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.