The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
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My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*