Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐