God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
🤯🤯🤯
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Inside you there are two wolves
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again