I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
This is true.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I hope it’s French Onion!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Pretty much. 🤣
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!