Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.