Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Oops I deleted….
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.