Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
🤣dope
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave