INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf