No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Happy weekend !
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
sigh
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
love it when they get my name right
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes