the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it