Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
That’s amazing.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!