My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this