I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️